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The first night was mostly flirting. And that's the weird thing that I never expected: how often you end up hanging around, joking and chatting with each other.

Because ultimately, these people are friends first albeit friends who make each other sticky. As we delved into the scene, we realized that every couple has their own specific interests.

Some prefer to attend parties and participate in orgies like my wife and I, as we soon realized. Some are more "introverted" I know, it's a weird term in this situation , preferring to meet other couples through the lifestyle websites.

Some couples will do everything but sex soft swap. Other couples will have sex full swap , but only if everyone is in the same room.

Many couples get into the lifestyle because the woman realizes she is bisexual, so they're looking for couples where the women can play with each other, but the men are only involved with their own partners, which may sound complicated or even frustrating for the man, but really is far from something to complain about.

And as we've mentioned before , there are "unicorns" -- single women who play with couples, so named because their rarity and allure are almost mythical.

Then there are the fake swingers. These couples tend to be younger. They attend all the big events, and if there's a stripper pole in the room, you can bet they'll be the first ones on it.

But when it comes down to the actual swinging, they're more into the exhibitionist aspect of the lifestyle and ultimately are not looking for sex with other couples.

Since each couple sets their own boundaries, when we're out meeting other swingers, the first thing we have to figure out is what they're into.

There are so many different levels of swinging that even people who've been in the lifestyle for decades can't keep track.

In case the three years of negotiations I mentioned didn't drive the point home, a lifestyle couple simply can't have any communication barriers.

You have to trust each other percent and be open with each other about everything. Imagine the level of trust you need to be able to tell your partner, "I'm really attracted to this person, and I'd like to have sex with them" As an example of that communication and trust, here's a story one couple we met early on shared with us:.

A massage parlor opened up near his work, and he had a sneaking suspicion it was one of those sketchy ones.

He told her about it, so she laughed and replied, "Yeah, you go and check it out. Let me know how that goes.

It did, in fact, turn out to be one of those massage parlors where you don't get just a massage. He opted for the "happy ending," but as he explained, it was by far the most mechanical, uncomfortable experience his penis had ever endured.

He likened it to being in the grip of a jackhammer. But here's the best part: She thought it was hilarious, and they both still laugh about it to this day.

Twisted as that may sound, there was something we found oddly admirable about a couple who could joke about something like this together.

My wife and I agree that stories like this are a big part of what drew us into the scene -- the fact that couples are comfortable engaging in these silly sexcapades and telling each other about them.

We've only been married a few years, but seriously, we now believe this is how you 1 make a marriage last, and 2 keep it exciting for decades to come.

Just because we're swingers doesn't mean that we'll fuck any random genitals that people whip out. But that's kind of the impression outsiders get, right?

Even when we're ready for sex, we have to respect the other couples, and we definitely don't want to be the awkward aggressive one. So there ends up being a lot of "feeling each other out," so to speak.

OK fine, you can giggle at that one. No matter how excited we get, we have to recognize when our partner is 1 uncomfortable with the person we're hooking up with, 2 uncomfortable with the person they're supposed to be hooking up with, or 3 just plain not in the mood.

A failure to do so is the surest way to jam a spiked butt plug into your relationship. In fact, this was something we noticed about our now-divorced friends.

It didn't matter how clearly not into another couple she was, he would keep going and even berate her for not being in the mood. Remember how I mentioned that the wife was pretty ambivalent about me?

That never stopped the husband from trying to hit on my wife. And in the end, that only made all three of us my wife and I, as well as his wife uncomfortable.

The sad reality is, you'll often meet a couple where you are totally into your "counterpart," but your partner is not remotely attracted to theirs.

Like maybe he looks like Richard Spencer or something. Or hell, maybe he is Richard Spencer. When that happens, you and your partner need to execute some covert negotiations in the heat of the moment.

Because you don't want to be an asshole and say, "Sorry, dude. I like your wife, but my wife thinks you're grotesque.

At this point, you either have to agree to call it off completely, or your partner has to be willing to "take one for the team.

Now, for the record, some couples do appear to be okay with one partner calling it a night while the other partner keeps going.

But most couples we've met are leery of this, because it always smacks of those not-quite-on-the-same-page, not-so-tight couples. We're all out to have fun -- comfortable fun.

And if any couple even hints of drama, well, there are plenty of other couples to hook up with. We've talked before about how this lifestyle is predominantly driven by women , but I wanted to elaborate, because it's a huge part of what makes this work.

Whether true or not, the societal stereotype of women being demure and men being walking boners is at least acknowledged in the swinger scene.

And because there is this unspoken assumption that men are more into casual sex than women, experienced couples will often let the women take the lead.

That is to say, a couple will move at a pace the woman feels comfortable with. Many of the events we attend start like any typical party, with everyone just hanging out hehehehe having drinks.

As people loosen up, the women start dancing with each other, and at some point, that escalates into touching and kissing. Once they've sufficiently indulged their bisexual sides, only then will the men join in and everyone starts swapping.

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